Thursday, July 31, 2008

Bird paparazzi

There is a certain species of photographer, Jerold is one, who enjoys scaring animals in order to snap them in action. A kind of paparazzi?


Jerold: Hold it there, birds, don’t take off until I get right onto the jetty.


Jerold: That’s it. Now! Fly, fly.

6 exposures per second for 7 seconds.

Jerold: Must have a winner among that lot.


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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Swimmer

Matthew asks Burt for a loan.


Matthew: Mister. Can I borrow 50 cents?

Burt: And why do you need it?

Matthew: I’ve got to catch the bus home.

Burt: Why don’t you swim home? Like me?

Matthew: That’s crazy.

Burt: No, look, you just swim this pool, and then there’s the Clintons next door, and then the Bush pool beyond that, cross Route 66 and swim across the length of the public pool and up the hill and I’m home.

Matthew: Mister. you have 50 cents?

Burt: Swimmers don't carry money. I happen to have just 50 cents but I need it to swim the public pool. Attendant won’t let me in without it.

Matthew: Bus driver won’t take me on the bus unless I pay him 50 cents.



Sunday, July 27, 2008

Affirming existence

Greta asks Uma why she blogs.


Uma: Why write a diary? Why write a journal? Why write anything? Can’t you guess?

Greta: I think you want a witness to your life.

Uma: There is that. It’s a way of affirming my existence. Through a sort of art. It’s like having friends. A life full of artistic friends.

Greta: But there is something else. Isn’t there.

Uma: Writing is a way of keeping my mind alive. When I don’t write, I can sense my communication powers diminishing, my curiosity shriveling up. People may not need to read my blog, but I need to write it.


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Friday, July 25, 2008

Five stages of grief

Carter and Edward discuss where they stand in the five stages of grief.

Carter: So where are you? In denial, angry, bargaining, depressed or accepting?

Edward: I'm a little further along than "this can't be happening," and "life's not fair stuff."

Carter: So you want a little more time?

Edward: Course I want more time. They're going to carry me out shouting "Gimme more time." I don't mope and ask what's the point of it all. I say just get on do what we can do.

Carter: Sounds like you're angry, bargaining and accepting, all at the same time. I've alwasy thought Kubler-Ross model didn't follow a neat linear path.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008


Old salts, J. Hook and P. Crook, wharf cafe, bright weather.

Hook: To be out there again.

Crook: Day like today.

Hook: Mind you plain sailing days have their own dangers.

Crook: Makes merchantmen easy pickings for pirates off East Africa?

Hook: Ever tell you I had a distant rellie who was on the the Titanic?

Crook: Ha. Pull the other one.

Hook: S'true as I'm sitting here today. He was a cook. Went down with her.

Crook: Really??

Hook: So I've always remembered that those glassy calm seas, when you go full speed ahead hold just as many dangers as when you're plunging slow ahead through a Force 8.

Crook: Not to put too literary a turn on it, but the Titanic was like the world, wouldn't you say? You think the structure is indestructible but one day a small event tips the balance and we all fall down.

Hook: The world, or our bodies. How's your stomach?

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Monday, July 21, 2008

Utility bicycles

Norman (bicycle repairman) chats while mending the Greg's crank.
Greg: You seeing a lot of business these days what with the gas prices and all?

Norman: Not too bad.

Greg: Almost a windfall?

Norman: New bike sales are up. But people are buying the cheaper models, utility bikes they can ride the supermarket or leave at the station. Ones with mudguards and carriers.

Greg: Sports bikes...?

Norman: Not increasing. And profits are very slim in utility bikes.

Greg: But you make it back mending their pedals.

Norman: A lot are doing it themselves. Say what you like but I'm seeing the depression coming back.

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Pretzel men

Over cocktails, talk turns to the origins of pretzels.


Major: Pretzels? Baked and glazed snacks.

Sharp: Seems familiar. Weren’t…?

Major: Don’t even go there.

Sharp: Where?

Major: Where I think you were headed. More drinks? Lady!

Lady: (sotto voce) Pretzel men. Full of cheese


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Do I know you?

There are reasons streets are less safe nowadays, that we are more vulnerable to attacks from strangers. Sean and Rory (NDVOs), are looking for a bit fun after a few drinks.


Sean: Terminator 4?

Rory: A movie? Come on, man. So tame. Be active.

Sean: Any better ideas?

Rory: Get out and do stuff me mum is always telling me. So I do. Push a few weedies around.

Sean: People sometimes kick back.

Rory: Nah. Carry a knife and you’re as safe as houses.


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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

John McCain and the Internet

Public meeting, John McCain takes questions from the audience.

Lawrence in the audience: Senator McCain, do you have any policy on ICT matters?

McCain: Sorry, I didn't catch that, my hearing, you see what?

Lawrence in the audience (louder with sign language): Do you go online?

McCain (aside to adviser): What's online?

Adviser: The Internet.

McCain: Oh, sorry, yes. See what you mean. Ha, ha. Good one. Yes, I am aware of the Internet.

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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Fresh breeze

Mai and Keiko are struggling over how to translate an expression.


Mai: Kaorukaze. Smelly wind?

Keiko: No way. Misty? Breeze?

Mai: How about Floating wafting breeze?

Keiko: The Japanese character is fragrance, sure. But it’s more like something light…

Mai: Fresh?

Keiko: Got it. Fresh breeze?


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Friday, July 11, 2008

No people, no story?

Caitlin and Roisin, art students, are given an outdoors sketching assignment.


Caitlin: Nice. You got the perspective right.

Roisin: Don’t like drawing straight lines. Something unnatural about them.

Caitlin: Hundertwasser didn’t like them either.

Roisin: Mmm.

Caitlin: Another thing. Why do you always put people in your pictures?

Roisin: People make a story. No story, people lose interest. They move on.

Caitlin: Hammershoi kept people’s attention, even on empty rooms, without people.

Roisin: He had something else. Bit of Vermeer. And jokes, like two legged pianos. I prefer people.


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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Oily food

Maki urges Tsutomu towards a hamburger for lunch.

Maki: There’s one just there.

Tsutomu: Did you see that guy who ate McDonald’s for a month? Became Supersize!

Maki: Just one.

Tsutomu: Slippery slope.

Maki: Once in a blue moon.

Tsutomu: Can’t. It’s the oil. I burp for hours after.

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Monday, July 7, 2008

Red flowers

Flame tells Tina about her afternoon walk.

Flame: I walked along the river. Lovely.

Tina: Nice time of the year.

Flame: And every flower I passed was red.

Tina: Red? No kidding?

Flame: Red or orange. Orange hibiscus. red sweet pea, red this, red that.

Tina: No hydrangeas?

Flame: Oh. Yes. OK, so the occasional splash of blue. And mosquitoes. See? Lumps!

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Sunday, July 6, 2008

Early call

Eric, suffering from sleep deprivation for several nights, goes wandering and at 4:30 AM finds himself passing the house of a friend.


Eric: Knock. Knock.

Philip: Who’s there? What the…? What’s up?

Eric: We’re going cycling.

Philip: Do you know what time it is? Is that it? 4:30 AM?

Eric: Wonderful time of the morning.

Philip: Insomnia again? I’ll make a cup of tea. Herb?



Friday, July 4, 2008

Retirement plans

Ricardo and Bettina, slightly worried pensioners, discuss their future.


Bettina: Where we gonna live?

Ricardo: Seems all right here. Water has fish. Market has veg. Piazza has coffee and talk. What more we want?

Bettina: We don’t have no visa.

Ricardo: We live on the boat. They approach, we up anchor, go Italy overnight.


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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Berlusconi and women

Milanese women discuss Berlusconi.


Maria: I knew his father. Luigi. He had similar views.

Priscilla: But to come out in public and say that right wing women politicians are better looking…

Letizia: And what did he say to the prime minister of Finland?

Maria: Well you all voted for him. I didn’t.

Priscilla: Anyway, whose turn is it to water the flowers today?

Letizia: Why don’t we just arrange the pots on the ground?

Maria: What a terrible idea.


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Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Fun being me

Denny and Allan celebrate fun and identity.


Allan: You were inimitable.

Denny: It’s fun being me. Is it fun being you?

Allan: Most of the time, yeah.

Denny: Is there any other way?


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