Sunday, March 30, 2008

Middle aged man on a flying trapeze

Robert, normally a fairly talkative individual, almost always finds that airport security checks causes him to communicate in sign language.

...

Airport security official: Mind if I look in your bag, sir?

Robert: (gestures with a twist of an outstretched hand) Mmm.

Airport security official: We'll have to take the computer out and put it through separately.

Robert: (gestures with an uprising wrist, palm open upwards) Uh.

Computer passes through scanner

Airport security official: There you go.

Robert: (loads computer back into pack) Mm.

________
Voiceover
Robert does not reduce his communication consciously or deliberately. It is almost an instinctive defence mechanism kicking in.
...

Labels: ,

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Winners don't always stay in control

George, who has a gold card and runs his mileage account tightly, recounts details of his flight last night to Vladimir who meets him at Sheremetyevo.

...

Vladimir: Good flight?

George: The usual jostle for seats.

Vladimir: Did you win?

George: Well I go on board, I’m looking for 33J – aisle – and there’s a big fat lady sitting there already. Anyway, she’s got it wrong and they move her to two seats on her own. For once I almost thought I wish I were so fat they’d give me two seats.

Vladimir: So then you have two seats to yourself?

George: No such luck. The flight was overbooked. The man in 33K is a German, huge, tattoos all over. This is one flight I did not get lucky.

Vladimir: I thought winners like you always stayed in control.

George: Not when it comes to seat allocation on flights. That’s out of your hands altogether.

...

Labels:

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Born to fish

Boris, who speaks English well, describes his passion to Rudolph, who is a recent immigrant and who still struggles with English.

Rudolph: Why you go out even when raining?
Boris: I have this passion. I was born to fish.
Rudolph: I have passion. I born to bird.
Boris: Born to bird? You mean Born to fly, I think. Bird’s not a noun.
Rudolph: Fish, noun. Fish, also verb. So I think … same, same.
Boris: Not birds. Not same, same. Different. Quite different.

...

Labels: , , ,

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Fly and cut down a tree


Here’s a way you can fly without feeling guilty about flying.

Guilty about flying?

Don’t you feel guilty about taking a flight?

Why?

The effect flying has on global warming.

Ah, a bit. Yes. I don’t fly when I don’t have to.

You really need to attend that conference in Ho Chi Minh?

You think I should attend by videoconference? Like last year? Look.

You’re always saying that. “Look.

OK. Well, listen. Could it be just another fad? This tree hugging thing? Certainly it is devastating to the planet to lose its rainforests and the biodiversity that these shelter, but just saying if you take a flight, plant a tree?

Only put you back ten quid.

There’s man of science, Govindasamy Bala, who argues that planting trees in certain temperate areas, like Wales, would accelerate global warming, while cutting down trees in certain areas could help reduce it.

Hmm, knotty problem.
...

Labels: , , ,

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Cell Phones on Planes


On last night’s (12 hour, gulp) flight I am next to a techie who has been upcountry rewiring choppers for the military.

He is in avionics and I ask him his opinion on whether cell phones are a serious danger to aircraft navigation systems.

“Jury’s still out,” he says.

“But if it were a really serious danger to aircraft safety, there’s always a few phones in bags that are not switched off. I’ve never seen flight attendants coming through checking bags for those.”

“It’s a question of numbers. If everyone started phoning up on take-off and landing it could confuse the navigation systems.”

“Hmmm. I saw somewhere the FCC and the FAA are looking into ways of letting people phone while flying.

“Eventually they probably will find a way of letting people do that but there are other factors besides air safety. For example, astronomers don’t take to the idea of the skies being full of talk, like phoning to say you are on the plane could be interpreted by a radio telescope that a star had died, you know.”

“Yeah, and then there’s cabin society and the rage factor. I mean, who wants to listen to a hundred people on a flight yakking on their cell phones? That could lead to cases of irate passengers brandishing plastic knives at people having inane cell phone conversations.”

“But coming back to the actual danger, this probably is a bit overrated, wouldn’t you say? I mean you don’t see squadrons of aircraft crashing into each other and falling out of the skies all because of somebody phoning home.”

“Well there’s been one case I know of.”

“You mean, that pilot who was talking on his cell phone as he was landing? That wasn’t interference with navigation, it was because the human being got distracted.”

“Yeah, and then he destructed himself and the plane.”

Labels: ,