How not to open a conversation

Basil and Sybil named their restaurant, Fawlty Pipes, in Bicker, Lincolnshire, after a noted TV series. As a result many people drop in to buy a plate of fish and chips half-hoping to catch a sight of the real Basil and Sybil. They’ve come up with own script and set of routines that they go through, like the following (used here with permission), and report that they are doing very well thank you. When asked whether they are worried about copyright issues, they say the BBC hasn’t called. Yet. They did, however, set up the business with advice from an intellectual property lawyer.

Sybil: Basil! We need to talk.

Basil: I get nervous when I hear that. A tiger bounding out of the bushes.

Sybil: Well how about ‘Got a moment?’

Basil: And that has all the subtlety of a snake slithering up alongside. Ssss!

Sybil: Well, can you suggest something?

Basil: Dale Carnegie.

Sybil: Old!

Basil: 1936. But still good. Rules for winning friends and influencing people. Number 1: remember people’s names.

Sybil: I did that. I called you by name.

Basil: Aha, but you loaded it onto the front of your opening, like it was a missile with my name on it. Basil! I think Carnegie meant you drop the name into the conversation quietly, with less of an aura of accusation. Another thing he suggested was smiling.

Sybil: Like this?

Basil: Your mouth is pulled back but the muscles round your eyes aren’t doing anything so the effect has the menace of a saber-tooth. Number 3: Listening…

Sybil: I listen!

Basil: Sure, listen, then pounce! Look, you can use people’s names and smile and listen til the cows come home but it has to be done right. Do it wrong, and the whole communication gets brittle. Edgy as a horror flick.